


All The Times That Feel Like Everything When Nothing Really Happens At All.

by Lotsofloveandangst



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23586772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotsofloveandangst/pseuds/Lotsofloveandangst
Summary: Steve swallowed, a futile attempt to get rid of the burning in his throat, "I think I'm going to stay with Sam for a bit." He proceeded to walk to his room, not sparing a glance at Bucky, too afraid to see a look of disgust or pity on his face.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 70





	All The Times That Feel Like Everything When Nothing Really Happens At All.

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently writing a high school au with lots of miscommunication, but for now, I hope you guys enjoy this story!

Bucky and Steve met in college. Bucky was rooming with Sam, and Sam had complained about him to Steve so many times. "This guy, he's a real piece work, Steve, I swear!" Another one of Sam's tirades went in his ear and out the other. Steve had yet to meet him, so he didn't want Sam's impression to affect what he thought of Bucky. In reality, he knew that Sam didn't hate Bucky and they had a friendly dislike towards each other for entertainment. So when Steve finally met Bucky, he wasn't expecting him to be handsome. He had stellar blue eyes, that sometimes looked grey and stormy, his laugh was infectious, and he was always ready to snap back at Sam. Unfortunately, Sam and Bucky ganged up on Steve whenever they thought he made a stupid decision, like getting into barfights with men twice his size. In all their years of knowing each other, Steve had never seen Bucky with a serious relationship. 

He went on a few dates here and there, and now that they lived together, he realized that he actually went on dates often, and never with the same girl. Because that's who all his dates were with, girls. Steve felt stupid for falling in love with the arch of Bucky's back when he stretched, and the way his nose scrunched when he yawned, and the way he slept, all sprawled out like a starfish. Steve felt stupid for wanting to feel those rosy plush lips against his, for wanting to be taken on a date by Bucky Barnes, for wanting Bucky to stop at their apartment door and pretend like he had somewhere else to go so Steve could say, "wanna come inside?" Maybe he would whisper it against his lips. Or maybe they would be standing a respectable distance from each, Steve's silver key in the door, and as he held onto the door he could push it open slightly, and invite him in.

Steve had gone on a few dates, too. They weren't that successful and for a moment he had thought he was going to be in a good relationship, but then, the guy started showing his true colors. Whenever Steve was around Sam and Bucky, even Natasha sometimes, Brock would wrap his arm around Steve. He would mutter in the car, on the way back from Sam's place, that he didn't like how close he was to them. Steve cut him off. He was not going to be _owned_ by anyone. He could do what he liked. of course, he would never want to hurt anyone, but he was his own human being and if he wanted to hug his friends, he would.

In all honesty, Bucky had been Steve's crush for a while. He thought he would get over it, and he wasn't entirely sure how that would've happened, especially when Bucky asked him if they should be roommates when Bucky starts his job at Wakanda Tech. Because the truth was, as much as Steve loved Bucky, Bucky seemed to love Steve, just like a brother. He cheered Steve on at his art exhibit, he backed him up in barfights sometimes. He always patched him up. And on Christmas, he bought him Prismacolor pencils, a leather sketchbook, and gave him a DVD of his favorite movie. They usually watched things on Netflix, but since his favorite movie wasn't on there, Bucky said he just had to when he saw it in line at Target.

Sometimes, Steve thought that Bucky might've loved him, too. With the way, his eyes went soft as they cuddled on the couch after watching a horror movie and Steve jumped in fright. The way he sighed, frustrated after Steve explained why he had to fight back this time, and pressed a bag of frozen peas to his cheek. The way he grumbled when he woke up, scratched his stomach and susurrated, "mornin', Stevie," before leaning down to kiss his golden straw hair. Or even the way Bucky dragged Steve, delicately of course, onto the dance floor. Allowing Steve to put his feet on Bucky's loafers and swaying, pressed cheek to cheek.

So when Bucky told Steve that they would make perfect roommates, Steve couldn't say no.

He told Sam about his feelings. "What should I do? Should I tell him?" He mused as they ate bagels together in the cafe. Steve had a bad habit of talking with his mouth full and eating a lot when he was nervous. Sam made sure to stay in touch with both of them, despite the fact that his life was getting hectic. He was studying to be a therapist and needed to get his master's degree and he was also interning at a children's hospital. 

"Do you want to or you just feel like you have to?" Sam always had good advice. When Steve was unsure if he should continue to pursue art, Sam reminded him of why he was even interested in it. Art is Steve's life. Another major part of Steve's life was his friends. In high school, Steve didn't have too many friends. He hung out with Sharon Carter and her friends, most of them were girls. He didn't mind, but he wasn't sure how to fit in with boys yet, at least not until Sam and Bucky. 

"I mean, I don't know. Don't you think he needs to know?" Steve could keep his feelings to himself as he had been, but there was something about keeping secrets from his best friend that felt dirty. Primarily since it was involving Bucky, even if it was indirectly. He put his head in his hands and stared at the cream cheese and butter knife. For some reason, these feelings were weighing on him. It hadn't bothered him before. But recently, the secret touches, when they went out to eat with Sam and Natasha, felt manipulative. Waking up to Bucky's thigh on top of his legs squishing him, and mustering the courage to tell him to get off because he had to pee. He knew they weren't dating, but he wondered if Bucky would feel as comfortable as he did if he knew the true nature of Steve's feelings. 

Bucky in no way was a homophobe. He never once looked down on Steve when he talked about boys. But Steve liking some random celebrity's abs is different than Steve wanting to be kissed by Bucky. "You could make a pros and cons list," Sam suggested. Maybe Steve needed to confess so he could truly move on, so he could eliminate the possibility in his mind, it was minuscule but it existed, that they could ever date.

"I know all of the pros and the cons. Cons are I lose him, it's awkward to live there, to hang out with you guys, and he doesn't want me to be friends with him anymore. Pros he somehow miraculously likes me back." Steve could barely let that thought cross his mind. But he knew that he had to. It would be better for everyone if the truth was out there. So in case, Bucky hated Steve, in case he couldn't stand to look at his face again, Steve was looking for apartments. He would've moved in with Sam, but he understood that he needed his own space after dealing with Bucky and Steve in college.

So when Steve went home, he watched Bucky's face light up and slowly fall again after he said, "we need to talk." He wasn't sure what was running through Bucky's mind when he said that. Steve knew what was running through his. "I have to tell you this because I think that it would be best, to be honest. I haven't been honest with you, or even myself for a while." A deep breath was taken before he continued. "I have feelings for you. And this isn't a crush. I thought it was a first because you're cute and you're kind and I've never hung out with a lot of guys. But then the feelings never went away. I think I love you. And I understand that you don't feel the same way," he put his hands up to prepare for Bucky's response, "so I am prepared to move out if you need that. I haven't found an apartment yet, but I'm searching. I will let you know when I found one or I could just not mention it and move out, whatever you prefer." 

His heart rate was through the roof, his palms were sweaty and he kept wiping them on his pants. He felt like he should've done this drunk. He should've done this drunk. Bucky's face was unreadable. It wasn't easy to read him at first. He learned though. Years of getting to know what made him angry, what made him sad and when he was stressed. "You can take time to think about this and you don't have to respond right now. I know it's a lot to take in, it was a lot to grasp for me as well, so I am going to give you some space," Steve forced his voice not to wobble before he walked to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and took a few moments. He wrestled with himself, but in the end, he couldn't fight off the tears that spilled. He covered his mouth hoping to hold everything back. 

When he woke up in the morning, he prayed it was a dream. It wasn't. Steve knew Bucky's schedule like it was his own. So, he waited until Bucky left, but not without receiving a shout of, "bye, Steve!" So maybe Bucky didn't hate Steve, but that didn't mean that he could stand to look at his face. Steve got up and painted. He painted a self-portrait, pretty warped now. Painting with warm greys and desaturated reds. He would hopefully sell the piece because it kind of hurt to look at for too long. He wasn't finished working on it, by the time Bucky got home, but tomorrow he could always start back up. 

This continued for days. Steve made food for Bucky before he came home. He knew how tired he got sometimes, and while Steve's cooking was not the best, HelloFresh helped out a lot. Bucky thanked him and Steve said you're welcome. That was the only communication they had. Steve wasn't sure he could bear it anymore. He walked out of the room one night and watched as Bucky slurped on some udon noodles. 

Steve swallowed, a futile attempt to get rid of the burning in his throat, "I think I'm going to stay with Sam for a bit." He proceeded to walk to his room, not sparing a glance at Bucky, too afraid to see a look of disgust or pity on his face. He didn't want a response. This was his decision because he needed a moment to breathe, to feel something other than pathetic. He packed a bag so he could stay for the weekend. He told Sam he was coming over. Sam welcomed him with a warm hug, but Steve just wanted his arms to be Bucky's.

"So what did he say," Sam asked as they watched another HGTV show. Steve wasn't sure what the name of this show was. Steve put another spoon of honey nut cherries to his mouth and sighed. Sam glanced at him and Steve was glad for the company. He was kind of going mad in his room, using paints to add the details of his hair, and pausing to sketch Bucky's eyes. Again. 

"He didn't respond or you didn't let him?" Sam's words didn't really sound like a question. 

"What's the difference?" Steve grunted, suddenly very interested in his bowl. 

"The difference is about whether Bucky wants to talk to you or you're just spiraling and cutting off communication for no reason, Steve. What if he likes you back?"

"He doesn't."

"What if he does?"

Steve didn't respond. Sam was right, but did Sam need to know he was right? Not at the moment. 

"Steve, you deserve to have someone who cares about you, and Bucky cares. What if your feelings are requited and you're throwing everything away because you're too scared?" Sam made too much sense. Why did Steve have to be best friends with the smartest guy in the universe? 

Sam walked away and Steve made sure to shout, "thanks." He had given up his home and listened to Steve mope about the same guy for months. Steve thought back to when he first knew he loved Bucky. It was an ebb of feelings. At first, Steve was hyperaware of Bucky's smile and how his eyes crinkle. Then, he looked at his hair, at his stature. He knew how his head was going to swing back after a shriek of laughter left his lips and before a gasp would follow. And the thought just popped in his head: I am in love with Bucky Barnes. He felt at peace with his conclusion because it crept up on him. And every time he thought, God, this man is beautiful, he stopped himself. Reassured himself that it was just because Bucky was beautiful, nothing more, nothing less. Over time, he realized he was just in major denial. Steve could no longer deny it. The feeling of love was in every action, every thought he ever had about him. 

"Sam, I'm headed home," Steve altered, even though he knew Sam was probably asleep. He also sent a text, just in case. He stayed for two days, two extremely healing days. And he was determined to talk to Bucky, no matter the terrible consequences. 

He opened the door, and there Bucky was. Sitting on the couch, remote in hand. Probably surfing through boring Sunday TV. "Hey," his smile was hesitant. 

"Hey, Buck." Steve shut the door and placed his backpack down by the shoes. 

"Stevie, your bags going to get dirty," Bucky warned. And with that nickname. 

"I know I didn't let you talk before, but I'm hoping you had some time to think and you can just say whatever you want, I'll shut up. For once." Bucky smiled at his words and nodded his head. 

'So, I was surprised when you told me. I honestly had no idea that you felt that way. I think that's what made it so difficult when you ignored me," he paused before he continued to say, "But when you said that you wanted to move out, I freaked. I knew we were going to be a good match to live together and we are. I like that I can toss my shoes in different directions and you'll pick them up. I like that even when you were ignoring me, you still made me food. I like that you-"

"Bucky, you can't only like that I take care of you."

"Steve," Bucky prompted. 

"Yes?"

"Just lemme finish my speech. I like that you know how to encourage people, not just me, but Sam and Nat. And that you hate being taken care of, but you let me do it. You grumble, and you pretend that you hate it, but I love the look in your eyes when I touch your cheek," Bucky did just that, "And I love that you persevere no matter the obstacle. You're so incredible, Stevie. You aren't afraid of anything. You confessed your feelings to me and here I was, freaking out because I thought I wasn't your type and that I'd never turn your head." Steve's cheeks heated up. 

"That blush has always been my favorite, too. I love waking up next to you in the mornings, how you fit under me. I've always wanted to kiss you, Stevie. I just didn't know you wanted it back," Bucky sighed. Steve couldn't believe what he was hearing. He jumped on Bucky to smush their mouths together. Sloppy, sure, but a perfect first kiss. He sighed as Bucky's hands crawled into his hair and tugged a little. Steve's arms were wrapped around his head, trapping him there. It wasn't like Bucky wanted to leave though. Bucky's tongue touched his, swiped the inner walls of his mouth. They continued like that for the day. There wasn't anything that could have been better than this. 

And when he woke up in the morning, covered in Bucky and their weighted blanket, he traced the planes of his face and said, "good morning, boyfriend."

"Good morning, Stevie," he kissed his cheeks and planted kisses over his neck. "I love you so much," he said dead serious in his eyes. 

"I love you." 

Sam was so happy that everything was sorted out and Nat had predicted this happening. Steve couldn't have, but he was happy that it did. He was happy to called Bucky his boyfriend. 

**Author's Note:**

> I am really obsessed with stucky and I am finally able to write stories that I want to.  
> I have a few fics in mind and I'm hoping to post them soon!


End file.
